I am a late convert to the Magic Mike franchise, I only saw the first movie on TV a few weeks ago (and admittedly slept through some of it) so when the opportunity came up to see the second movie on the big screen I thought why not? The abs and pecs looked pretty good on the small screen so it can only get better right!
Read on for my recap…..
- Spoiler alert # 1 – this recap may spoil the plot of the movie
- Spoiler alert # 2 – there is no real plot to this movie.
- Spoiler alert # 3- The following recap may objectify and sexualise men.
- Spoiler alert # 4- The film already did that….
Warning- This recap is quite long. You may want to make a cup of tea or pour a glass of wine before reading.
The movie opens on Channing Tatum’s face looking dreamy and slightly confused. He is staring into space and is all muscles and jaw bone angles.
He and his buddy are moving furniture around and just generally looking quite hot.
My friends and I settle down in our cinema seats.
Channing gets a phonecall and a Liam Neeson-esque voice booms down the phoneline that there’s been some bad news about Dallas and there is going to be a funeral. The voice is identified as belonging to a “Tarzan” and immediately he becomes my favourite. Can’t remember who Dallas is…. Oh well, doesn’t matter (I later figured out it was Matthew McConaughey who clearly didn’t want to be in the sequel.)
Next shot is Channing in a suit. Mmmm now you’re talking….
The funeral ends up being a fake out and it’s a party- good one you guys!
Some random chick in a bikini and stackhat is running around just being generally annoying.
CT gets pushed in the pool by a naked dude and it is on!
CT comes out of pool and immediately wins every wet t-shirt comp ever. Thanks naked guy.
The pool party involves a lot of hot men and lot of fist pump action. So far so good.
The boys all end up in a hotel room- weird stackhat chick is there too: no idea why she is wearing stackhat.
Talk of furniture company- boring boring- Kings of Tampa- stripper talk.
There’s a guy they call Ken Doll sitting on the bed- he has nice eyes.
Cut to CTs workshop.
Muscles, muscle shirts, CT is sitting on a chair playing with a phallic shaped rod thing.
He stands up, flicks his helmet down with a sharp nod of the head- ain’t nobody got time for hands- and he starts welding.
Then the music starts up. Yes! Chorey. This is what we came for.
“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeahhh…” the music moans as the song ‘Pony’ starts playing. CT is starting to bust a few popping and locking moves (Thanks ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ for adding those words to my vocabulary!)
There’s welding, there’s sparks, there’s a bit of a moonwalk, there’s some more welding and then the real chorey starts. CT is making love to his bench, he’s gyrating, he’s sliding on a chair, he’s riding his pony! He uses his drill to attempt to put three random holes in his bench- wtf was that bit all about? He’s swinging off the rafters, he’s humping the bench again, he’s doing the worm. It is on!
Finally he collapses in a heap and stares at the ceiling in post coital bliss.
We all have a metaphorical cigarette and strap ourselves in.
Cut to a bus. Think Priscilla meets Walter White.
The bus is full of stripper guys. There’s Ken Doll, an Italian looking guy, an ethnically ambiguous guy, a guy who looks like Encino Man crossed with Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler- I’m guessing this is Tarzan. And there’s a rotund little guy who we later find out is the bus driver.
And then up rocks CT.
There’s a lot of backslapping and fist pumping. CT is going to join the gang again- yay! Did not see that coming! Ken Doll has a worried face- obviously setting something up for a future scene. Either that or he forgot his lines.
As the bus takes off there is a close up of a blender and a jar of protein powder beside it- of course there is. And just like that we are on a road trip.
Ken Doll is plucking his eyebrows with his iphone mirror- Mickey Rourke is having none of that shit so he hurls the iphone out the window and we continue on our merry way.
Next shot is of a sign saying Mad Marys cocktail bar. We see a drag queen inside doing drag queeny things. She announces an amateur dance comp! How’s the timing!
The stripper guys encourage each other for all of about 2 seconds and then they are entering the comp. There’s a few twinks on stage who skidaddle when CT starts mincing. Next he’s doing a weird Cossack-like squat dance.
And then it’s Ken Doll’s Turn, he launches into a liturgical dance routine.
Ambiguous curly haired guy does a few dizzy wizzys.
Mickey Rourke gets on stage and looks like he’s about to kill somebody before doing a terrible mime of putting on lipstick, forcing us all to imagine what he would look like as a woman. (Hint- not cute.)
Italian guy jumps up on stage with a feather boa and then the rotund one clambers up in a Carmen Miranda inspired ensemble complete with fruit, heels and a headpiece. Have no idea where he got all that from but who cares because he wins! Yay! Everyone celebrates.
The next scene is a beach bonfire party. Think school leavers but with sleazy looking stripper guys there. Ok so just think school leavers.
There’s a barbecue, the drag queen is there sans wig, they’re all randomly eating frozen yoghurt.
Ken Doll is in a terry towelling hoodie. He quotes Oprah Winfrey- he is quickly losing his hotness.
CT and Ken Doll are mad about something- maybe CT hates the hoodie too. Argument, argument, punch. CT limps away.
CT is having a wee when Johnny Depp’s wife takes his photo. It is awkward.
The beach is badly lit- the audience struggles to see what is going on which is a shame because it is a really long scene. Blah blah blah – boring boring, talk talk talk.
Where the hell is the dancing!?
They’re talking and stumbling over the poorly written dialogue.
At one point my friend leans over to me and says “are they meant to be drunk?”
I hope so.
At the end CT stutters and takes about a month to deliver his line.
Thank god that scene is over.
Next scene is the bus again parked at the beach.
Ken Doll is meditating- insert eyeroll.
CT and Ken Doll are chatting now- there’s a lot of hotness in the frame if only they would stop talking.
In a weird moment they break into a song about toothpaste- please don’t do that again.
It’s all getting a bit homo-erotic when the other 2 curly haired stripper guys rock up.
Theres a bit of “Bro” and some fistpumps, there’s the question of “Did you bang her?´ More fistpumps and then the Cinderella analogy is introduced. In a weird porn-star moment we learn that the Italian guy has a huge member and he is looking for his “glass slipper”. Read- accommodating vagina that can handle him. There’s some grunting and a few backslaps before the lads announce they are going to clean up the campsite.
Next is one of my favourite lines of the movie:
Ken Doll who we learn is a reiki healer- another eyeroll- says “I’ll gather up the bio-degradables!” Lol. Onya Ken Doll, at least one of you stripper guys is environmentally aware!
Biodegradables taken care of, we’re back on the bus, they’re cooking eggs and taking pills. It’s not clear what the pills are. Ecstasy? Viagra? Roger Ramjet Protein Pills?
54 minutes later they’re all off their heads. I’m a bit disappointed they weren’t Roger Ramjet pills but anyway. They’re having stripper epiphanies all over the place. They’re going to mix up their routines, they don’t want to look like “a bag of dicks”
For an unexplained reason they get off the bus at a petrol station, there is a bored looking chick behind the counter. Italian guy decides she will be his Everest. To the encouragement and back slaps from his bros he enters the shop and begins a strange and admittedly hilarious Dorito throwing, water exploding, sex kitten dance in the servo. Servo chick smiles and the lads cheer- Italian guy is victorious- he was meant to be a stripper after all. Phew.
We’re back on the bus and the 80s stripper costumes get hurled out the window. The bromance is at an all time high.
Ken Doll Reiki guy does an annoying circle of trust routine which encourages them all to hold hands and close their eyes. Bus driver guy joins in. Hypnotised by Ken Doll’s voice he closes his eyes too. Bad move driver guy! The bus goes hurtling into the bush and slams into a tree- Shit!
Off to hospital- driver guy is hurt- we know this because he has a head bandage.
Ken Doll Reiki guys does a reading, talks about chakras, I kind of want to punch him in his pretty face.
In a flash of wisdom they decide the show must go on and they ditch their comatosed mate. Bye driver guy. “there’s a tsunami of dollar bills waiting for us!”
Who could blame them…
Next they rock up to a club in country America, there are palm trees so we know it is rural. Jada Pinkett Smith is there being all fierce and sex kitten-y.
We go into the strip club- the stripper guys are wearing a lot of Kylie Minogue gold hot pants, there’s women and dollar bill confetti everywhere. We focus on a few of the routines and watch awkwardly as the women shriek and the men gyrate.
Jada challenges Mike to show his stuff, after a short moment of reluctance he leapfrogs into the scene and performs a very active routine, throwing a few women around and thrusting a lot.
By the end he is smug and victorious.
There’s a cringeworthy poetry scene which goes on for way too long and back in the car a bromance develops between Reiki Ken Doll and Poet Guy Andre. Poet guy goes all Mel Gibson and says he knows what women want- “they just need us to be healers.” Reiki guy nearly orgasms in his pants!
Next scene they pull up to a large mansion. They enter the house and are greeted by Andie McDowell who has Dolly Parton’s voice. She has some of her Real Housewives mates over and the Oestrogen almost comes rushing out the cinema screen. There’s flirting, drinking, awkward talking. “Shit Diana get us some more vino!” Andie Dolly screeches at one point.
Mickey Rourke who’s name is Ernest – honestly can he get any better!- delivers this pearler “I’ve been around a bit but I would give it all up to come home to a wife and kids.” Awwww Ernie you big softie….
Reiki guys says his heart breaks- for once we’re with you Reiki guy.
By this stage all the older ladies are having a group therapy session with the strippers. Reiki guy starts singing- would have thought he learnt from the toothpaste ad but apparently not-
“Baby you’re all that I want….” Oh god. It’s not heaven.
Andie Dolly is flirting up a storm with Italian stripper guy. She even uses the word “Damnnnn” in a desperate sounding southern accent.
Cut to the next morning- Stripper guys are hanging out in kitchen. Italian guy and Andie Dolly come down in robes- kiss, kiss, kiss, flirt, flirt flirt.
We learn that Andie Dolly’s vagina is the metaphorical glass slipper! She must be thrilled. What an honour!
The stripper guys are now off to their convention in Andie Dolly’s sports car. Mickey Rourke is wearing a bandanna. They are slow motion driving.
They rock up to a pool and who should be waiting for them but Jada Pinkett Smith and Poet guy Andre. Hooray!
Next is the best montage ever as the guys go into full scrapbooking and art and craft mode, there’s glitter, there’s construction cardboard, there’s a mini sewing machine, there’s hot glue guns. They are having a crafternoon and they are loving it!
Mickey Rourke is draped in fabric like some kind of Neanderthal Statue of Liberty- it is amazing.
They are finally at the convention which is creatively called “The 2015 stripper convention” Guess the writers spent all their time on the amazing plotline to be bothered giving the convention a name.
There’s an annoying blonde chick working the door. She tells them they’re not registered. Damn- there goes the movie. But then in a genius move Jada Pinkett Smith saves the day by flirting with the blonde lady in a weird lesbian moment. Wtf?
Anyway, whatevs- Yay! They are in!
Montage of backstage stripper outfits, there’s Cops, Galdiators, even a Twilight routine. It’s like a Rock Eisteddfod. Our protagonists are in shiny silver wrestling capes. Maybe they borrowed them from Mickey Rourke?
Yes finally! The Stripper Convention! Chorey and hot guys come at us!
The guys are introduced as Res-Erection! We see what you did there.
And then they begin. Yay!
Except it’s not all that hot. It’s a bit weird.
Mickey Rourke goes first and does an artist impression skit where he paints with glitter. Then does some bullfighter twirling cape moves. Looks a bit confused, as do we.
Second up is Yoghurt guy- ie: ethnically ambiguous guy. He throws cream around and pours chocolate sauce on some lucky (?) lady’s legs. Not that hot.
No chorey so far- I am disappointed.
Third up is Ken Doll Reiki guy who is singing- Arghhhhh enough with the singing. Does a few step ball changes and singing in the rain moves.
Thrusts his penis towards a few girls’ faces. Lays down in a “tsunami of dollar bills” (knew it was coming!) and gets mobbed like an unsuspecting goat in Jurassic World.
Andre comes out and does some poetry. Shutup Andre.
Italian guy comes out and does a wedding routine- it’s all a bit ‘last night of school camp skit.’
But suddenly the beat of Nine Inch Nails rings out, the lights turn red, Italian guy rips off his pants and some random chick from the audience is shackled into a sex swing. Yes! Italian guy is thrusting and acting like a chimpanzee at the zoo. The crowd are going wild. He wants to “fuck her like an animal.” Clearly.
Jada Pinkett Smith pops up in-between acts to be annoying and drag her vowels out way too long.
Cut back to chick in the sling- she is still there.
And finally we are at the finale! Yay! Random guy from the other club (when did he get invited along?) and CT emerge to do their thing. They have 2 girls from the audience up on stage- one happens to be Johnny Depp’s wife which is lucky!
There’s dry humping and flips and worms and chorey galore!
Sling lady is still in sling in the background. She must be getting sick of the sling. Oh well.
The music is weird with the lyrics saying “something something, something Cookie Monster. I’m gonna crack your back like you are a lobster!” wtf? Anyway minor detail…..
CT and other dude are dancing up a storm. They are spectacular and the crowd is loving it. The tsunami of dollar bills turns into a full blown hurricane. Everyone climaxes all together and it is over.
They don’t win anything because in an anticlimactic move it was just a convention not a competition. Oh well. At least they’re bucking the American stereotype for once.
The strippers celebrate anyway. Driver guy drives the truck back into shot just when we’d forgotten all about him.
There’s fireworks! Of course there is.
The boys are drinking beers, Johnny Depp’s wife is there. That other chick is probably still in the swing.
Close up of Channing’s face, which ties in nicely with the opening scene, (There you go writers, your clever full circle was not lost on this viewer)
Channing looks equal parts perplexed and pleased. Probably perplexed trying to remember if he has anymore lines and pleased because he is mentally counting the millions that this movie will bring in.
Annnnnnnnnnnd, that’s a wrap.
I’m not sure about Magical but it was pretty entertaining and really quite funny.
Except I don’t think it was meant to be a comedy.
So there you go, a fun night out. I should know, in order to do this recap, I saw it twice! (You’re welcome.)
*We never did find out what happened to the girl in the swing.
Cast: (because they do have real names)
CT / Mike – Channing Tatum
Ken Doll Reiki guy / Ken – Matt Bomer
Italian guy / Big Dick Richie – Joe Manganiello
Ethnically ambiguous guy / Tito – Adam Rodriguez
Mickey Rourke / Ernest – Kevin Nash
Driver guy / Tobias – Gabriel Iglesias
Andie Dolly / Nancy – Andie McDowell
Johnny Depp’s wife / Zoe – Amber Heard
Poet guy / Andre – Donald Glover
Jada Pinkett Smith / Rome – Jada Pinkett Smith